TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historic culture, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It'll be huge. Great!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed from the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully from location. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A 3-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Of course, confident, let us have An additional area where American men can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace try due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations failed below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is easier: supply All people a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft energy," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a war zone. It is really that he ought to end working with it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the venture, replied, "You already know, gentleman, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping varieties a large Trump head seen from space, a element being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after acquiring the creating's gold plating mirrored so much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees might contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Area Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Method: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is Permanently."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll conducted inside of a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "where by's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is presently attracting attention from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll obtain a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely incorporate:



    Trump Tower Damascus

  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Part Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the disclosing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a hotel in which my PTSD can have change-down assistance."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories recommend:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. Based on https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You're welcome."

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